It's been a funny old week, the last 7 days.
On one hand, The Boy has been coming along in leaps and bounds; He's 10 months old and so far hasn't been one for crawling, but this week he's been getting a lot more mobile, pulling himself into a sitting position with ease and from there rolling and reaching to get to what he wants. He's used the sofa, the playpen, me, his father, the dog (our eye-rolling, ever patient Border Collie) the chest of drawers in his bedroom and his cot to aid him in his climbing, getting from a sitting position into a stand: The trouble is he remains so thrilled with himself when he succeeds that he throws his arms in the air and looses his grip on whatever bit of furniture he's climbed up (or person, or animal) and so he falls back onto his bum again. I expect every child does the same thing when they're at this stage. He's also become a lot more vocal; He'll sing and chatter along with you a lot more, he loves it when he makes a noise and you copy him, and the other day he and the dog had a wonderful long conversation which resulted in the pair of them being given a biscuit for their good behaviour (though not the same type!) In fact, The Boy and the dog are quickly becoming best friends (The Boy is amused by the dog, and the dog in turn appears amused by The Boy and the fact that food is more freely dropped on the floor around The Boy's highchair).
Moments like that I can smile and laugh, I feel happy and buoyant, my heart fills with love until I feel my chest might explode, my eyes get all teary (Dear God, look what pregnancy and the result has done to me, I cry at every little thing now!) Then, just as quickly, those moments disappear, and once again the darker side of our current reality sneaks in.
The Hubby was advised the other day that his 'preliminary end date' of employment with the well known DIY chain that has gone into administration will be 17th July. Its a Sunday, and the aim is that once the store reaches that date most items will have been sold: It will be a case of getting rid of just about everything that isn't nailed down on the Sunday (and probably some stuff that is nailed down ...) and the doors will shut on that Sunday afternoon and the staff of that store will become statistics of this recession, just more unemployed people with families to support. We're not yet sure what The Hubby will do in terms of future employment; He can't abandon his current position now or he won't qualify for redundancy and notice money. So he has to stick it out for as long as it lasts to get what he's owed, but on the other hand really he wants to have something lined up, or how long can we survive on redundancy and notice pay with my meagre little wage offering? Either he needs another job, or he's going to be a stay at home dad with a part time job and I'll be a career Mum, out working 12 hour days six days a week to even out what we've lost!
On the other hand, The Boy sounded like he said "Mama" the other day and my heart melted; Of course I cried. It happened after a really rubbish day where I felt awful and as well as pure joy for some reason I also felt ridiculously inadequate. Feeding him this evening I was overwhelmed with the same emotion; I've created this perfect human being, my body grew him and protected him for nine full months then delivered him into the world, and he's my responsibility: He's a gorgeous, laid back, happy, content and turning out wonderfully well so far if I do say so myself. But I mean, wow, really? I was remembering the other night how comforting it was, as a child, to be cuddled by my mum; The smell of her perfume, mixed with the hairspray she wore, and the soap she'd used, and the laundry stuff and if she'd been at work (as a hairdresser) she'd have this scent of perming or colouring lotion about her too, but it wasn't horrible, it all blended together in a single scent that I recognised easily with my eyes shut - My Mum and I'd cuddle into her and fall asleep on her feeling totally safe and relaxed and contented. Then I looked down in my arms and there was The Boy snuggled into me looking safe and relaxed and contented, and I thought, Oh man! I'm the mummy now, and that scares part of me beyond belief even now.
But you know what? The good times & the bad times, it's what I signed up for. As long as I've got The Hubby & The Boy nothing can touch us.